I didn’t post last week, as my days off were filled with a couple of outings, but it should work out well, because as I review my photos from two weeks ago and think back, I’m in a similar frame of mind this week.
I find myself, at this stage of my life, more confined, so that when I look at photographs of others from far off places, I’m a bit envious, although I’ve been blessed to have traveled in the past. But the current situation can dim my spirits and I’ve been feeling like I’ve been running on empty. So I seek refuge in my usual haunts, and find myself traveling familiar grounds, physically and metaphysically.
Metaphysically speaking – I find myself on the verge of depression. I’ve been here and through it before. I’m isolated, geographically, from my closest friends, and I feel at a disconnect. I feel like I’m putting one foot in front of the other and just plodding through without any hope of getting to some place better. I know this feeling will pass and come again and pass again, and I always seek to come to terms with it philosophically or spiritually.
I wish I were less analytical and lighter in nature. My belief is that people who are tend to be happier. In the past, I’ve quit my job, moved, taken a trip, but those aren’t options I have the energy or money for and of course you never can really escape your self, not while you’re living!
And I don’t dislike my self, but I miss being near people who get me. Any way, I know I’m in the midst of a poor me pity party, so I will move on. Maybe others reading this will find comfort in knowing that others also experience these blues and greys.
Physically, I return to my favorite walks with my dog and my camera. Sometimes I take only a few pictures and discard the majority, thinking I’ve done that. Sometimes there are just a few that I care to keep, but the act of walking is a soothing one, and my dog, Maisie, appreciates it as well.
Sometimes, the walk alone will shake the inertia away. If not, it allows me to sit with the feelings I’m going through. It settles the restlessness like a form of meditation. And since I haven’t been doing my meditation practice regularly, this is good.
At other times, although I’m walking the same road I’ve walked numerous times before, I see something new, or more clearly. When we find ourselves in the same life patterns, it’s interesting to wonder if instead of a circle, our path is not instead a spiral viewed from a different angle. Are we reacting the same way to a similar situation, or trying to find a new way. This is a challenge of both consciousness and discipline.
One morning, two weeks ago, I got up early (not easy for me as I tend to be a night owl) seeking to find the elk that a friend had said were visiting her yard. Though they had been there for two days in a row, and come 4-5 times that week, they were not there that morning. (A week later I did see some female elk, but my photos were lousy as the light was too low and I was unable to get any sharpness at the distance.)
Disappointed, I decided to take try to take some pictures of the fall color that was fading fast. I came upon these beautiful rays shining down on the road. Was it as great as the elk would have been? No, but it was lovely and that will have to suffice.
So I will keep trying – getting up early, occasionally, to seek the elk and putting one foot in front of the other, trying to muster some hope that my path is not a circle, and spiraling upwards and not down.